That Should Be A Movie: 1776 by David McCullough

Happy Independence Day! This is a Special July 4th Edition of That Should Be A Movie! Today’s book I would like to recommend as a movie is sure to be an epic summer blockbuster action flick filled with plenty of fireworks flyin’ and popcorn poppin’! We’re talking Jerry Bruckheimer produced, Michael Bay directed, Chuck Norris starring stuff here! We’re talking about 1776 by David McCullough, from Simon and Schuster Publishing, baby!

Let’s set the stage!  

It’s June 1776. The Continental Congress is in Philadelphi-a debating on whether they should send Tom Jefferson’s breakup letter to King George the Third. When they’re not eating Philly cheesesteaks. George Washington was outside Boston building his army from farm boys, merchants, Indian fighters, apprentices, and free persons of color. Occasionally these Continentals raid British lines. One of these American bad boys is Nathaniel Greene, a Quaker. No, not Quaker Oats. The religious group called Quakers opposed to all sorts of frivolous things like war. Well, Green decided that peace best comes through strength and tried to be an officer. However, he had a lame leg, so at first Team Sons of Liberty put him in the common soldier section, but when they saw how much military knowledge he had from book learning, they said, “You’re an officer, Nate.”

After G. Washington cures the Brits of their constipation by putting the cannons captured at Fort Ticonderoga by Ethan Allen, no, not the furniture store, and his Green Mountain Boys, and which Henry Knox, a man so plus-sized they named the fort guarding our nation’s gold after him, had to use oxen, who were about as big as him, to drag them across the frozen wilderness and ice covered rivers, which his men had to make harder by spitting their tobacco juice and letting it freeze…Well, after all that which could be its own movie, Washington had the big guns on Dorchester Heights where he could shell the, well, you know, out of the bloody redcoats. Soon the British hightailed out of Boston town because they were afraid Mark Walberg might show up next (March 17^th, still celebrated to this day as Evacuation Day). Behind them the Brits left the city in shambles, having turned the churches into horse stables. It was like ANTIFA and The ACLU had a baby.

Well, after that, Washington heads up to New York, New York to protect the Hudson-Lake Champlain corridor north to Canada. He also believes that holding this key city would encourage the patriots to make the American cause one of American

FREEEEEEEDDDDDDOOOOOMMMM!!!

Oh, sorry about going all Mel Gibson on you.

Not.

Well, G. W. starts building fortifications and drilling his men into an army that can fire, reload, and fire three shots in under sixty seconds.

So the British can be gone in 60 seconds.

Then the Americans hear that the bloody British have hired 17,000 Germans, no, not Nazis, but German mercenaries known as Hessians, giving the commander, Lord William Howe, a force of just over 30,000 strong. The American soldiers numbered between 6,000 and 8,000 men. But my boy GW is like. “Go Ahead, Make My Day.”

There’s a foiled plot to assassinate His Excellency G. W. Then on June 29, forty British ships appear in the distance. It’s like that scene in Pirates of The Caribbean: At World’s End when the Black Pearl is about to face off against just a few British ships, then dozens more appear from over the horizon.

Only cooler, because it’s real!

Henry Knox writes his wife, “We are fighting for our country, for prosperity. The success of this campaign the happiness or misery of millions may depend.” On July 6th news of the Declaration of Independence arrives. On July 9th, G. W. has the troops turn out to hear the cause for which the Continental Congress has pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. A mob tears down a gilded lead statue of King George and melts it into bullets. “The eyes of all America are upon us,” writes Knox

Then on July 12^th, more British ships arrive. They sail up the Hudson, sailing past the American forts and batteries like Washington, George, Red Hook, Governor’s Island, and Lower Manhattan. The Americans fire nearly 200 shots – boom! – but the enemy ships pass on like indestructible robots from outer space. The only fatalities were six American artillerymen whose cannon accidentally blew up, possibly because they were drunk. ‘Merica!

The Americans know they have been made a laughingstock. More imperial battleships show up. One ship, the HMS Eagle, has 65 cannons. Another ship, the HMS Victory, has 98 cannons. It’s like the Death Star with sails! Boom!  Still, the Brits don’t attack, instead entertaining themselves at the court-martials for soldiers charged with sexual assault and joking about how they hope the Americans don’t run away without a fight. One of these officers was named Black Dick. Because he kind of was. On August 1^st more ships arrive with more redcoats and more Germans, no, not punks, Hessians! The men in the Continental Army are suffering from disease, so Washington sends a burning ship to incinerate the British fleet.

Boom!

Unfortunately, it fails, and, in even worse news, Nate Greene is sick and has to be replaced with the headstrong John Sullivan.

On August 21^st a huge storm broke out over New York. Boom! The soldiers see it as an omen. The invasion begins at dawn the next day. 15,000 redcoats land at Gravesend and establish a camp at Flatbush. The British and Germans, not the football team, Hessians, are astonished that a people with such a high standard of living would rebel against their king. Are they willing to pay the price of the plundering of their goods for freedom? “I pay it gladly,” reply the Americans.

Quickly Washington sends his troops to Brooklyn. “Remember officers and soldiers that you are free men, fighting for the blessings of liberty – that slavery will be your portion, and that of your posterity, if you do not acquit yourselves like men.” No identifying yourselves as females among these bad boys! Washington believes the enemy will throw itself against his lines like they did at Bunker Hill. However, British General Howe and Clinton, no, not Bill Clinton, Sir Henry Clinton, find a pass, Jamaica Pass, guarded only by a few American horsemen. They capture the horsemen and send a 10,000-strong force to strike at the American’s rear while distracting them at their front lines. The Germans, no, not yodelers wearing Lederhosen, Hessians rush out of the woods, and the Americans, taken by surprise, fire a shot or two and retreat in panic and confusion. A few fight, using their guns as clubs, and General Sullivan is last seen with a pistol in each hand surrounded by the enemy. The Americans are outnumbered more than two to one. The first battle of the campaign, the Battle of Long Island, ends in disaster for the Americans.

All is not lost as General Lord Sterling, also known as William Alexander, takes a stand and covers the army’s retreat as he holds the British off for four hours. Only he is like, “Welcome to America,” and attacks the British with only 250 men. He charges through the British, not surrendering until he makes it to the Germ…no, Hessians so he can surrender to them. That way he can claim the British never took him prisoner.

Boom!

Washington sends more men to Brooklyn but eventually, he realizes he should save his army instead. A general, Thomas Mifflin, volunteers to hold off the British as the soldiers are transported over the East River by flatboats. They skirmish with the British during a thunderstorm as the ragtag Continentals amazingly pull off a quiet escape across the river. But the sun is starting to rise and if the British ships see the flat boats on the water, it will be a disaster. However, a providential fog hides the boats from the fleet’s view and the British wake up thinking they could attack and eliminate the colonial rebels only to see them on the Island of Manhattan going nanny-nanny-booboo.

Despite the successful retreat, the Continental Army is in shambles. Many men are deserting, often taking their weapons. One young lad is seen carrying off a cannonball for his ma to use to pound corn mill. The Brits begin to sail up The East River. Where they’ll stop, nobody knows. The British took a time out and offered peace if the Americans would just give up “independency.” But G. W. says, “It’s not your village anymore,” and decides to evacuate his army from The Big Apple.

Trigger Warning: Okay, I know some of y’all snowflakes are screaming at your iPhones telling me to stop with all the George Washington love. “Oh my Starbucks,” you yell, “How can a guy who refused to allow African-Americans to serve in the Continental Army and owned slaves be a hero!” Well, it was different times, but also Washington soon changed his position and allowed black Americans into the army and stipulated in his will that his slaves be freed upon his death. And remember, without old dead white guy Georgy Washington you wouldn’t have guys like Simon Bolivar, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela.

Back to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

Then on September 15, the British ships that had sailed up the East River opened fire as redcoats and Hessians landed at Kip’s Bay. It’s 500 Americans vs. 4000 imperials. Most of the Americans flee as the British cannonade destroys their fortifications.

BOOM!  

One American stands and fights, but a Hessian chops off his head and sticks it on a pole. As the American rebels retreat toward Harlem Heights, Washington rushes in among them and tries to take control, but the fleeing men cannot be stopped and he loses his temper, cursing them. “Are these the men with which I am to defend America,” he exclaims. You would’ve thought he was talking about millennials!

Some soldiers do stop and fire but to no avail. Henry Knox and Israel Putnam had to hurry their men up Manhattan Island before the British cut them off. In fact, if the British had marched just one more mile, they would have done just that. But the officers were stopped by a Mrs. Robert Murray who offered them tea. Some folks say she was an American Circe, but she was a woman in her fifties who had raised 12 children, so she could handle a few thousand soldiers.

On September 16, G. W. decides to counterattack at the Battle of Harlem Heights. The two American action heroes Colonel Thomas Knowlton and Major Andrew Leitch lead their Connecticut Rangers on a surprise dawn attack against the British. It’s 1,000 free Americans vs. 5,000 British drones. The redcoats are sent fleeing in retreat.

BOOM!

So many are killed that ox wagons must haul off the bodies. Sadly, Knowlton and Leitch are killed, but to the American soldiers, the battle is a victory, and to the Brits, a surprise.

Again, Lord Howe offers the Americans peace if they stop fighting, but this just irritates everyone. Kind of like De Niro saying “F— Trump” at the Tony Awards. In the meantime, fires break out and destroy most of Lower Manhattan.

BOOM!

Until this day no one knows how the fires started or who started them. The amateur spy Nathan Hale is hung but not before he utters his immortal lines

FREEEEDDDOOOMMMM!

Oh, it was, “I only regret, that I have but one life to lose for my country”, but that’s basically the same thing. Right?

The British land at Frog’s Landing and again Washington has to retreat to keep from being cut off. On October 8th, 750 Americans tenaciously hold off 4,000 imperials at Pell’s Point for a full day before being forced to fall back. But not before they made a whole lot of redcoats redder!

BOOM!

In other good news, Greene has recovered from his illness and is back! So are the generals Sullivan and Sterling, who were exchanged in a military version of Red Rover Red Rover.

On October 28^th comes the Battle of White Plains. For a moment it looks like the 7,000 imperials are going to march right into the center of Washington’s 4,000 men who are entrenched in a mile-long line. Instead, they wheel to the left and charge up Chatterton’s Hill which had been occupied by the Americans just an hour before. The Continentals fight fiercely but are forced to retreat. However, it was a pointless victory for the British, who lost more men, and then, for some strange reason, turned and headed for New Jersey.

On November 15^th Howe sends a message to the commander at Fort Washington, asking him to surrender. Because of Fort Washington and Fort Lee’s positions, the British Navy could not advance up the Hudson without running a gauntlet of fire.  So, the fort’s commander, Robert Magaw, replies that because he is fighting in the “most glorious cause the mankind ever fought in, I am determined to defend this post to the very last extremity.” Howe was just buffing. Now he had to send his Hessians up the rocky terrain where they would come under fire from Virginian and Maryland riflemen under Colonel Moses Rawlings. The Americans fight tenaciously. At one point, 150 men with one cannon held off 800 of His Majesties’ soldiers.

BOOM!

But the Americans are too few and their lines too extended and over 2,000 are forced to surrender in one of the most embarrassing American defeats of the war.

Bummer!

However, an American legend is born as Margert Molly Corbin, who follows her husband, John Corbin, into battle, steps into his place after he is killed, and helps load and fire a cannon until she too falls with a serious wound.

Now that’s a strong woman!

G. W. is forced to abandon Fort Lee. The British captured a deserted fort and a dozen men who had gotten drunk after breaking into the rum supply.

‘Merica!

The Continental Army begins an embarrassing retreat which is made all the worse because it is in New Jersey!

Washington’s army has a little over 3000 men left and 2,000 of them are expected to leave when their enlistments expire on December 1st. During this time Thomas Pain is inspired to write his immortal words, “These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”

Suddenly the British strategy changed. Instead of exterminating the rebel army, Lord Howe decides that securing a base at Newport, Rhode Island so his navy will be safe from American privateers is more important. Howe gives orders to Charles Cornwallis, yes, the Cornwallis played by Tom Wilkinson in The Patriot, to pursue the rebels, but heavy rains slow the British down and the Americans escape. However, 2,000 of the Continental soldiers walk away on December 1st, the Continental Congress abandons Philadelphia in a panic. General Charles Lee, who had been coming with a few thousand men, is captured at an inn by Banastre Tarleton, who inspired Jason Isaacs’s character in The Patriot, and the British and Hessians are pillaging New Jersey like an army of Harvey Weinstein clones. It is indeed the darkest hour.

 G. W. crosses the Delaware River into Pennsylvania but says “I’ll be back.” However, in the eyes of the British, the war was as good as won and the colonies were defeated. Howe stations his Hessian troops in outposts in New Jersey, poor guys, return to New York and in the words of a popular ditty, “Sir William, he, snug as a flea, lay all his time a-snoring; Nor dreamed of harm, as he lay warm in bed with Mrs. Loring.”  Little does Howe know that Washington has found his squad – Greene, Stirling, Sullivan, Knox, and Joseph Reed– and his army is growing close to between 6,000 and 7,000, due to reinforcements or diehards, who in the words of one soldier, “cannot desert a man (that’s Washington) who has deserted everything to defend his country.”

Through spies, G. W. learns about the outpost where the Germans, no, not philosophers, Hessians, are wintering, and hatches a daring plan. His men, divided into three groups, will ferry across the Delaware, and raid the outpost at Trenton. His men gather flat and cattle boats, and although “Washington Crossing the Delaware” by Emanuel Leutze looks pretty epic, it probably looked more like “Washington Crossing the Delaware” by George Caleb Bingham or “Washington’s Crossing” by Mort Künstler. Three columns are supposed to converge on the enemy outposts. The password is “Victory or Death.”

BOOM!

After crossing the icy river, the men march through a howling snowstorm. It is so cold the men leave bloody footprints and two men freeze to death. Washington’s column arrives at the rendezvous point, but it is alone and is three hours behind schedule and the men’s guns are so wet that they cannot fire. Nevertheless, good guy G. W. sticks to his guns, tells the men to use the bayonet, and continues with the attack.

The Hessian commander in Trenton is a heavy named Johann Gottlieb Rall. He has been giving the Americans trouble ever since New York, his command being conferred upon him for his actions at White Plains and Fort Washington. And like most illegal immigrants, he didn’t speak English too well. American patrols had been crossing the Delaware and harassing his troops, so he set up outposts. He did receive information that an attack was coming, so when one of the outposts fired a rebel patrol, which quickly retreated, he figured that the patrol was the approaching rebels and the attack had been called off, because nobody would be out marching through this storm.

Boy, was he ever wrong!

At eight in the morning, the three American columns, which had grown in number due to civilians grabbing their guns and falling in line, reach Trenton. Greene’s men are the first to attack. There’s a snowstorm behind them which blinds the Hessians, who retreat into town. Then Washington and Sullivan’s troops attack. “Knock, knock,” said the Americans, who are cold, wet, and tired but fight as though everything depends on them. In the words of Washington, each man seemed to vie with the other in pressing forward. The Hessians scramble to respond as the Americans charge into town. Knox’s artillery opens fire.

BOOM!

Sullivan’s men and the Hessians charge each other with fixed bayonets and for a moment there is vicious house-to-house fighting. The Hessians bring out a cannon, but Captain William Washington, G. W.’s cuz, and Lieutenant James Monroe, yes, the future president, rush forward, capture it, and turn it around on them! Rall is mortally wounded and 900 of the mercenaries surrender. Twenty-one have been killed, ninety wounded. Only four Americans were wounded, and the only fatalities were the two men who froze to death.

Legend has it that the Hessians were drunk from celebrating Christmas and that’s why the American triumph was so easy, but that’s not true. It was good ol’ toxic American masculinity that won the day!

Merry Christmas, ye flighty redcoats!

The Americans cross back over the Delaware where Washington gives a prep talk. He praises the behavior of the men, although he doesn’t say anything about the Americans who had broken into the Hessian rum supply and gotten drunk.

‘Merica!

The British think Trenton is just an isolated incident. However, G. W. decides to come back over the Delaware for an encore performance. He needs to do this to keep his army together. After offering his men 10 dollars a month, which was a lot of money at that time, he gave a stirring speech. “My brave fellows, you have done all I asked you to do, and more than can be reasonably expected; but your country is at stake, your wives, your houses, and all that you hold dear. You have worn yourselves out with fatigues and hardships, but we know not how to spare you. If you will consent to stay one month longer, you will render that service to the cause of liberty, and to your country, which you probably can never do under any other circumstances.”

Seeing the Americans on his side of the river, Cornwallis decides to attack. He sends a force to cut off Washington’s ability to cross the river. However, Knox’s cannons slowed the redcoats down at Assunpink Creek, or the Second Battle of Trenton on January 2, 1777. The British decide to attack in the morning.  All night the lobster backs watch the rebel fires, but in the morning all they find are campfires.

The Americans are gone!

Suddenly Cornwallis gets word that his rear at Princeton is under attack. “Hello, boys, I’m baaaccckkkk,” yells G. W. as Sullivan and Greene led their separate columns in the attack. Now it’s the Brits’ turn to be outnumbered as the 1,000 redcoats are attacked by 4,000 red-blooded Americans. The fighting is intense and passionate. Two American officers, General Hugh Mercer and Colonel John Haslet are killed. Untrained Pennsylvania militia refused to halt as Washington, Green, and John Cadwallader led the charge. The sight of Washington’s courage as a thousand deaths fly past him inspires the men who force the British into a headlong retreat. ‘It’s a fox chase, boys,” yells Washington.

The deciding action takes place on the Clark Farm and lasts all of fifteen minutes. Some of the British soldiers barricade themselves in Nassau Hall at the university, but a young artillery officer named Alexander Hamilton, yes, the Hamilton from the musical, says, “Hey Terrorist, terrorize this” and fires a few rounds into the building, forcing the British to surrender.

Boom!

The American losses are less than 50 while the British casualties are nearly a hundred.

The campaign of 1776, which looked like it would end with the destruction of the newly-born American Republic, ended with an astonishing victory for the Americans. The political writer Mercy Otis Warren pens, “No people on earth in whom a spirit of enthusiastic zeal is so readily kindled, and burns so remarkably, as among Americans. The energetic operations of this sanguine temper was never more remarkably exhibited than in the change instantaneously wrought in the minds of men, by the capture of Trenton at so unexpected a moment. From the state of mind bordering on despair, courage was invigorated, every countenance brightened.”

BOOM!

Because it is a story about how America was almost destroyed at birth but American resilience, determination and imagination turned the tide at the last moment, I believe that 1776 by David McCullough Should Be A 4^th of July Weekend Summer Blockbuster Movie!

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